Love: Four little letters, one big meaning. The word Love goes back to the very roots of the English language. The old English lufu is related to the old German luba and the Latin root lubido which means “desire.” So if the word has been around since the 8th century…why is it so hard to say it? And feel it? I love love stories….boy meets girl or boy and fall madly in love and live happily ever after. But what happens when that boy or girl does not say I love back? How much time should you give them to say it? Or should you say the L word without feeling it? That is the dilemma my friend Tiffany is having at the moment. She has been seeing this great guy Justin who she really likes. About five weeks into their relationship, Justin told her he loved her. But she did not say it back. It has been two weeks now. Tiffany’s case is rare…normally it is the guy who cannot express emotion and say the L word. So why was she finding it so hard to say it? She thought she loved him. But is love different from being in love.

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My own definition of falling in love is that feeling of excitement at the prospect of seeing that special person. But loving someone is accepting them and doing things that you do not find enjoyable because you love someone…like cleaning the mess they have made after puking their guts out while they have a stomach flu. That’s love! Tiffany wanted her I love you to mean it, but she felt under pressure to return the compliments. Very few other words require such an immediate response from the receiver. No one every says, “I do not see this relationship going anywhere too!” after being dumped. Tiffany reckons she has until the weekend. I think she should wait until she means it. If you really love someone…the words will come out naturally..if they do not..maybe it is not meant to be…

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I cannot remember anything else. They say that dreams reflect your deep fears and insecurities. The meaning behind my dream was clear. I was not afraid my boyfriend would get together with my friend…neither would ever do that. But I could not help but think the dream could have been a premonition. I was afraid that my relationship with DG would somehow change in the five weeks I was away. I figured if he could fall in love with me in four weeks, he could fall out of love with me in five weeks. According to dreamprober.com, dreams about cheating or being cheated on are some of the most commonly reported dreams. They are not necessarily prophecies but just an outlet for fears and insecurities. My friend Magda reckons that my dream is not about cheating or about DG at all. She thinks it is actually anxiety and guilt about my upcoming trip to see my extended family. It could also be the fact that I am not feeling very attractive this week due to the fact that I have the world’s biggest pimple on my lip. It has enough bacteria to power a small air conditioner. She reckons I am feeling guilty about something (outing a friend) and are therefore projecting my own feelings of doing wrong on someone else. Hmm…

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A few months back I wrote asking the question of whether you can have love without sex and sex without love? I got a few emails on the subject, with gay men sharing their experiences. As gay men, we are sometimes defined by our sexuality. Men in general are very sexual beings...who always seem to be in the mood! To many, including myself our first impressions of the gay lifestyle were about sexual relations. I find the gay community and gay lifestyle filled with sexual references. You can pick up any gay themed magazine and see pages filled with erotic pictures and sexual connotations. As I gay man, I often have a challenge in balancing sex, love and relationships and trying to get clear definitions on what each means. Do we focus too much on the sex? Or is our ability to have sex like animals what defines our lifestyle? Should we stop trying to act like hetros and enjoy our sexual freedom? Lots of question….

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I hate to sound like a tired old cliche, but is there such thing as a gay man who wants to explore the intimicy of a relationship? Or does it all just fizzle away after the initial thrill of it all is gone? You see, I'm 29, educated, good looking, funny, caring and family oriented, but I'm going through the toughest breakup of my life right now. My partner comes from a past where he frequented bath houses, parks, sex clubs and other things. He's probably had well over 500 partners in his life, while I probably more near 30. I come from a different past, having had long term relationships, my last one lasting 5 years before him. He had an operation which left us unable to have sex during the summer for about 8 weeks, which turned into 10 weeks. Now, he barely touches me and the sex is something that I have to always initiate and only happens once every two to three weeks. He tells me that when he looks at me he doesn't understand why he's not turned on. He says that physically, emotionally and spiritually that I'm everything he's been looking for. However he still "craves" the anonymous sex and thrill of having "a new cock". It breaks my heart when he tells me these things. I'm usually a strong person with a clear sense of my boundaries, but my heart is breaking and I can't let go. I know it sounds pathetic, but I really thought we had something special and now I'm left feeling that there aren't any gay men out there who really want to explore the intimacy and all the wonderful things that come with being with a partner. I know I have a lot of love to give and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

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